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WARNING: I rant here. If some of it is offensive to you, PLEASE simply unfollow me. Thank you.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

To be honest, this post will probably depress you.

This morning in homeroom, I sat down and when I got up, gum was stuck to my skirt. And, because I clearly have anxiety issues and I freak out over the littlest things, I started saying loudly, "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD."
This girl named Natasha sitting beside me looked at the gum then up at me and asked, "Why are you screaming?"
I wanted to open a window and throw her out. A lot of the kids in my homeroom were looking at me and it was extremely embarrassing.
I was trying hard not to cry(because whatever strong emotion I feel, I cry). I went up to ask my homeroom teacher Ms. K if I could go to the office. I was trying so hard not to burst into tears at any moment that I wasn't really paying attention to my surroundings. So, I didn't know that Ms. K had been talking to another student, and I had interrupted their conversation.
Ms. K was really annoyed and was saying in a really snotty way: "You interrupted our conversation, you know."
I just muttered an apology and she told me that I could go to the office. Just as I walked out, the bell rang. So, I went up to my first period class, which was history with Mr. P, but on my way there, I bumped into my friends Léa and Felicia who told me that I should go get ice and freeze it off.
So, I asked Mr. P to go get ice at the office. Then, I ran off, still fighting tears, especially since I had to walk around with gum on the back of my skirt. I got the ice from the office and ran back up to on of the girls' bathroom where I struggled to get the gum off.
Tears were prickling at my eyes at that moment and I felt so depressed. I felt like such an idiot. I couldn't-and still can't-believe that I didn't see the gum.
After I get the gum off, I go back to history class and pretend to pay attention during class when I really had no clue what Mr. P was saying. My friend, Léa was trying to make me feel better, but I was so depressed that nothing could make me feel better.
Except food.
Okay, not even food.
But anyway, during science, second period, my friends saw my face and started asking, "What's wrong?" So, of course, I started crying and whatever. IN SCIENCE CLASS.
How embarrassing.
And I felt like such an idiot for freaking out over something as little as gum. I freak out about everything. I need to ask my doctor whether I have anxiety issues or something. And I'm serious. Because it's not normal the way I freak out over such tiny things.
And everyone was telling me, like I'm an idiot: "It's not a big deal, Jodie. Calm down..." etc. I wanted to scream at them: "DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?! YOU THINK I WANT TO BE FREAKING OUT OVER SUCH LITTLE THINGS?!"
And I hear people complaining about how their moms are b****es and how their parents don't let them stay out past ten o'clock on weekdays, and it's not fair blah blah blah. It IS fair. I have to go home straight after school. Be happy you can stay out till ten. And your mom's a b****? Well, at least you have a mom. I feel like slapping them for their stupidity. When they have a bad day, they can talk to their moms about it. I have NO ONE to talk to. I'm embarrassed to tell my friends, the school's therapist, a teacher, my dad, my brother and there's no way in Hell I'm telling anything to someone from my step-family. So, that leaves me with no one to talk to.
And you wonder why I get depressed so easily? Well, how would you feel if one little bad thing happens and then another bad thing happens and another and another and a whole bunch of f***ing anothers and you have no f***ing person to talk to and it just adds up and up and up until you just can't take it anymore and you feel like you're going f***ing insane and you have to go to school and smile at people and say, "I'm fine" OVER AND OVER AND OVER and hear people complain and you blog and people cheer you up and then you come off the computer and you have to return to everything.
You wouldn't feel good, would you?
Well, welcome to my world.
(sorry for the swearing.)

16 run-on sentences.:

Ashley said...

:(
This time I'm going to comment to try to hopefully cheer you up somewhat.

I know how that feeling is. I've gone through similar things myself. I was never as close to my mother as you were to yours, but I nearly lost my adopted mother to cancer too(in addition to mom 1), and it was so upsetting hearing people say "ugh my mom is such a bitch. she never buys me anything good" etc.

By no means am I saying that you shouldn't feel upset about not having your mom to talk to. Obviously. But do be grateful for the people you do have in your life. You still have a family(whether you like them or not) who care for you, keep you healthy and sheltered. That's a lot more than many can dream of. You have your friends that care about you(blogger friends included!) and want to be there for you. So.. when times get rough, think about that?

I suck so much at cheering up people. If all else fails, watch some kittens play on youtube and read a book.

love you girl ♥

this was such a ramble.

FeliciaShortii said...

I knew ther was something wrong but you weren't taling to me and stupid bibi was talking to me and sat in your place in french. I knew it and you could talk to me even though we don't see each other a lot.

Ashley said...

Oh, as for the anxiety thing, you should go to the doc. Cause if it is a problem, they can give you meds for that. My sister acts similarly.

meandmythinkingcap said...

eveery1 does that Jodei-Ann .. You are not alone.Dpnt worry..
I remeber during my 8th grade one of my friend tried to apply paint in my shirt and I screamed and I wasnt allowed to attend that teacher's class for a week

Jodie-Ann said...

@Ashley: thanks so much, Ashley. :) I started tearing up at your comment.
Well, I know my dad and my brother care and my friends and blogger friends... :)
I'm going to go read a booj now. Love you, too <3
And yeah, I have to go and talk to my doctor. :)
@Fee: Yeah, I know... I just don't really want to talk about it... But thanks :) Love you, Felicia <3
And sorry I completely forgot about the project. I had a lot of other stuff on my mind... >.>
@meandmythinkingcap: Thank you :) And wow O.O

The Lady of Green Origin said...

"Crying is for the soul as soap is for the body." - Jordan Hoffman

Honey, all I can say is that if the above statement rings true then you must have one hygenic soul :)

Crying is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You're a lovely and sensitive person as far as I can tell, Jodie. Be true to yourself.

haze said...

Oh my li'l jodie :'( i'm so sorry if you had a really bad day... and don't worry, i used to freak out too much in highschool too :) i remember one time when i little worm is crawling on my uniform, i freaked out and wanted to jump in the window. yes, so embarrassing! everyone else is looking at me. haha! but they are not mean like your other classmates, they just laugh. so i never felt bad about it.. just tired of screaming :)
so, i say that it's normal... :) (well, i'm normal nad you are too)

... and another :(
i know what you feel when a lot of people are around you yet you do not have somebody to talk to... but we are here to listen. you have your friends in school. you are not alone.

i really do not want seeing you lonely. it makes me depressing because you are one of my uppers. so please smile na :)

love!

The Blog Writer said...

Jodie, I've actually spent a couple of hours thinking on and off about what to say to you.

The gum on skirt story is sad. I'm sorry you had to go through this, BUT YOU DID tackle it- all on your own, as gracefully as you could- that is so cool, don't you think?

I'm glad you have true friends in school or it could have been worse.

About your friends calling their Mothers names, give them a few years. They'll understand the value of what they have.

I was wondering. Why do you think you have no one to talk to? Your Mum is probably sitting right by you, holding your hand- You're probably getting to attend school WITH her each day! No one else has THAT privilege. You and I can never tell if that's untrue. Talk. She's listening. You'll know in your heart what she wants to say to you. Write to her. She's probably your most loyal blog fan already! :) I think so, anyway.

About your step-mom: I bet you know her better than anyone else, so you have reason to not like her. Know that she can never replace your Mum in anyone's life.

Don't lose the energy you have, Jodie-Ann! Don't. I'll repeat- don't, don't, don't.

Have a fabulous day when you wake up! :) Hugs.

Furree Katt said...

awww Jodie. :( i hope you're feeling better now with all the lovely comments above.
i just want to let you know that it's okay to cry. it's good that you're capable of letting out your feelings. and it's okay to swear, too.
your classmates were being insensitive, but you have your real friends, and your blog-friends, too! you know none of us like to see you upset.
love you! ♥

Jodie-Ann said...

@TLOGO: Thank you so much :)
@haze: Ahh I hate worms... o.O And thank you so much <3 :)
@TBW: Thank you so much for this comment <3 Maybe my mom is with me. I don't know. o.O

ishashime said...

wow. this was a really emotionally charged post.

i see you seem to have handled everything fine. when something like this happens again, perhaps you should take a deep breath and assure yourself that you can do it. just believe in yourself. everything will be better in the end, you'll see.

as for the people saying bad things about their mom, i don't think i could ever do that to my own mother, no matter how much she embarrasses me sometimes or limits what i can do or how late i can stay out. i'm sorry about you mom but you're really not alone. you have your friends to back you up, and even if you don't really open up as much, it's nice to know that we'll all still be here for you.

love you! hug! :)

iZaynab said...

: " | Aw thats horrible.
But on the last day of school in 7th grade iGot my 3rd period & iWas wearing nright skinny jeans ~
So iHad stained my pants with this b r i g h t red puddle & no one had even bothered to tell me..
iWas so embarrased & iCould only hide it with my hands. - _____ -
iCan relate about having stuff like that happen.
The gum wansn't that bad, but iGet why you freaked.
iGuess now your really careful on where you sit ~?
iHope your felling better though : D <3

Jodie-Ann said...

@ishashime: Thank you so much :) You really make me feel so much better about everything :) Love you as well :D *hugs back*
@iZaynab: Eeeepppp!! OMG!! That's horrible!! D; And yes, I am feeling better now, thank you :D <3

Georgia Rose said...

you seem french. are you french? sorry i'm from australia. and can i say i have the same problem!!! it's fustrating and annoying! i HATE it. ugh but i'm glad i'm not the only one. though i hope it doesnt arises to you as often..

Jodie-Ann Muckler said...

Yes, haha. I live in Quebec, Canada, which is a French province. And yeah it really, really sucks. Thanks for commenting! x

SeaRose said...

Omg I've been reading this post and I totally get it. So I am super afraid of mice and rats and one day in maths I saw something furry go across the floor and I totally lost it I ran to the front of the class screaming my head of it turned out someone had kicked a Alvin and the chipmunks kearing out from under the table. I stood there at the top of the like such an idiot.

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